my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Boobs speak an international language.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
