it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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