There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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