Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
