mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
