Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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