I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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