How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
