Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
