I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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