i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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