I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
