Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
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