apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
