Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
