I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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