i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
