This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
