I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
