his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
