God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
