I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The air taste purple.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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