she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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