Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
do nipples grow back?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
