did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize