Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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