I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
