Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
