Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
