Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
