im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
