OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
