I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
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My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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