I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
