Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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