just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
