I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You ruined the universe
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
