everyone is single if you try hard enough
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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