i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
