Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
