When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
