i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
