if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
not ubering you a puppy
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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