She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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