I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
