i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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