I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
