My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize