i already hear my dad disowning me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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