Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
