i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
