true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
