I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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