matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
