what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
