I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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