Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
