he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
