what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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