What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
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