remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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