My Higher Power is John Stamos
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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